Unlocking your true identity means valuing yourself, standing up for what you believe, and asking for what you want. It’s not about being selfish.
Furthermore, it’s about truly knowing yourself and demonstrating this in your life and in your decision-making… Living a healthy life that truly fits who you are, and makes you happy.
However, as I often say in my articles, these things are not taught in school. So how are we to know how important this concept is, and what happens when we don’t value ourselves? Or even how we get there?
First, let’s take a look at examples of valuing yourself.
Lacking a Strong Sense of Who You Truly Are…What You’re Missing:
It’s very confusing and challenging, to say the least when we don’t have a true sense of who we are, and what makes us happy. If you don’t truly have a solid sense of who you are, you miss out on these issues:
- Ability to recognize what feels right or wrong for you
- Those things that feel more natural to you than other ways of doing things
- Feeling certain and comfortable about your beliefs of right and wrong
- Recognizing who truly values you and who doesn’t
- Believing that you deserve to be happy in life just by existing on this planet
- Trusting your core or “sense of self” inside you
- Standing up for yourself with others and setting healthy boundaries with them
- Only choosing those things that feel comfortable for you and fit your own values
- Being assertive and asking for what you want, and initiating talking things out with others when you feel uncomfortable about something
- And finally, unlocking your true identity and feeling really good about who you are! It’s not about being “perfect”. No one is perfect. That’s impossible!
Now let’s take a look at what happens when we don’t unlock our true identity.
Often Regretting Not Speaking Up to Others
How often do you regret not having stood your ground, or asking for what you wanted? If someone hurts you in some way, intentionally or not, do you let them know they did this? If not, why not?
When we regret not speaking up, it comes from a part inside of you that recognizes you did not value your true worth for some reason. It’s something inside that knows you deserve to be heard.
Speaking up is valuing yourself and your worth. It’s not about being rude or unkind. It simply is speaking up about how you feel, or what your thoughts are. It’s valuing how you feel about things, and that you matter.
Easily Pushed Around and Controlled by Others
Do you often regret doing something that didn’t feel right to you, made you uncomfortable, or went against your own beliefs? That tugging feeling inside is a sign that something doesn’t fit you and feels “unsettling” inside.
Pay attention to these feelings. It’s your “core” talking to you. It’s likely telling you that you are going against your own “grain” inside of what genuinely fits you. When you do that, it means you are not abiding by what feels natural and “right” to you and who you are.
See if you can determine ”why” you do this at times. When do you stand your ground? Is it only with certain people and not others?
Unclear of Your Boundaries and Hesitant to Enforce Them
Notice when you don’t stand up for yourself. Is it because you are not sure standing up is the right thing to do? Impolite? Inaccurate? Afraid you won’t be accepted in your crowd?
The right people around you are those who want you to be happy, and demonstrate that they value you and your friendship.
Standing up for what you want and believe is not about bullying others. It’s doing what feels right and comfortable for you. If others don’t agree with you, that is their prerogative to do so. Just like it is your prerogative to disagree with them. But coercing someone to do something that they don’t want to do, is not Okay.
Having healthy boundaries and acting on them is a good thing! It’s not about controlling others. It’s about honoring yourself. Just like it is for the other person.
Avoidance of Asking For What You Truly Want
This relates to the above issue we just explored. The more you know yourself and what works for you, the more you value who you are. All of these things make it easier to identify what matters to you and fits who you really are.
When we avoid asking for what we want, we aren’t valuing ourselves and our worth. This dynamic allows others to come into your space and do exactly what they want, without asking you or checking in to see if that’s OK with you.
It’s not all their fault. Often people will “assume” you’re OK with something because they expect that you will assert yourself and tell them what you want. Other times, some people feel if you don’t speak up they “deserve” to do what they want.
To be heard, you need to speak up. It doesn’t mean always getting your way. It’s about being heard, valuing who you are, and standing up for what you want. People often don’t know what you want, and may not even think of asking you.
Not Valuing Yourself in Terms of Your True Worth
Don’t blame yourself if you struggle to value who you are and can’t yet accept that you deserve to feel valued by others. Many, if not most people struggle with this. They may call it just being “modest” or that it’s “cocky” to demonstrate valuing yourself. But that is not the issue in this case.
When we value ourselves we are recognizing that we have worth, just by being born. We recognize and believe that we all have the right to be happy and to stand up for ourselves when necessary.
Valuing yourself is also about believing in you and that you have worth and value, like everyone else. We all make mistakes. We all have regrets of some kind in our life. This is normal. What truly matters is that you allow yourself to learn along the way in your life, and make the necessary changes in your behavior and decision-making. That’s truly healthy and allows you to grow in a positive direction.
What it Feels Like When You Unlock Your True and Healthy Identity
When you truly “come into your own identity” it’s freeing. By this I mean you will no longer spend a lot of time with regrets and not trusting yourself to do the right thing, or worrying about being “enough”.
You will build a flow of internal trust that you have it within you to figure things out along the way in your life. A belief that you will be fine, and that you will continue to learn along the way. You’ll be able to accept that no one is perfect.
Wherever you go you will take your newly found confidence with you to figure things out and will be fine. You’ll begin to feel like you are your “true self” and that you really value this about you.
You also will take pride in the work you have done to get to that new place inside you.
And finally, when you look in the mirror, you will value the real you and will understand that you are already “enough” as you are and that the right people around you will see this as well.
None of us is perfect, and never will be. That’s the humanness in us. Remember, most of us had some kind of negative experiences that stayed with us, and we unknowingly adopted that view of “us” as accurate, even though it was not true in reality.
Remember, that parents don’t get training on how to be great and effective parents. It’s a natural process that takes on the early experiences we had in childhood and we unknowingly often will adopt these ways with our own children.
There’s no blame here. But you have an opportunity to find the “real” you and to attract the right people around you who will naturally see that specialness we all have in our own way. When you unlock your true identity you’ll be surprised how much happier you are and are enjoying friends who truly value you.
If you find this feels overwhelming, don’t be afraid to seek professional help from a psychotherapist. Remember, they don’t teach these skills in school, so how are you to know? You can do this!!!
For Further Reading Check Out These Articles on Self-Esteem: