We all have our dating horror stories about those common mistakes in dating experiences and mates we’ve had. That’s human and excusable ……to a degree. If we don’t learn from these experiences, then that’s on us.
Below are some of the most common mistakes people make in dating choices and mates. If any of these ring a bell for you, or make you feel nauseous, then your mind and body are telling you that you need to pay close attention to these items below.
1. Being in the Dark About What You Want in a Relationship
You might be surprised how many people are clueless about one of the most important factors in dating. If this is you, then you are in “good company” with most others. Most people seem to date semi-unconsciously and often common dating mistakes.
So the big question is….if you don’t know what you want in a mate, how can you recognize that person when you meet him (or her)?
The fix is an easy one. You just need to sit down and think about the attributes you want in a future mate.
For example, kindness, consideration, money, popularity, goal-oriented, wants or doesn’t want kids, etc. Whatever you believe are the most important traits to have. Remember, you will be living with this person, hopefully for a very long time.
One way to do this is to look around you at those people you admire. What are the personality traits you see in them you most value? You are looking at behaviors and beliefs in people, so gender doesn’t matter in this case.
You are looking for those people that demonstrate valuing you through their actions, not just words.
2. Continuing to Make the Same Bad Choices in Dating
There is an old saying that rings true here: “Why would you continue to do the same thing over and over again, believing you will get a different result?” Yet this is often the case for most people.
The behavior continues for a long time, usually, until something bad happens and the person is finally able to see the reality of making unhealthy choices.
If you want to change these results you need to change how you make your decisions. Do you ignore what others tell you so you can do what you want? Do you find that you push away those thoughts that nag at you to avoid doing what you don’t want to do?
If this is the case, then you are definitely in your way and need to fix this if you want better results.
3. Not Listening to Your Friends and Family About Your Negative Dating Habits
If your friends are telling you they are worried about you and your dating choices, chances are they are right. What you choose to do about this is up to you.
Having unhealthy dating habits and choices doesn’t mean you are broken. Chances are you either don’t know how to choose what is healthy and fit you. Or perhaps you want a “bad boy” because he is much more interesting.
If this is the case, you need to look at the result and what you are getting from an unhealthy relationship. We don’t do what we truly don’t want to do, so what are you trying to achieve with this unhealthy pattern of dating?
4. Fear of Being Alone in Life and Settling for Less
This is a big issue because it’s about fear, rather than what we want. When we make decisions out of fear we are ignoring what we truly want.
For example, if you are afraid of being alone, it’s easy to lower your dating expectations and you often end up with someone unhealthy or not what you want.
Look at the marriages around you. How many people are unhappy in their relationships versus those who truly enjoy their mate? Often people marry to avoid loneliness. Avoiding loneliness has little to do with having a nourishing relationship that gives you joy.
So make sure you are not “settling” in your dating choices.
5. Not Valuing Your Worth – The Consequences of This Common Mistake in Dating
Often we learn our value to others from family first. That doesn’t mean you get to blame them. It’s usually handed down through generations. However, what you do about this is your choice.
Now that you know your dating experiences are fixable, you can begin to focus on the real issue – the degree you value yourself and how this affects your dating choices and experiences.
The more you value yourself, the more you will believe you are truly worthy of someone special for you. The less you value yourself, the more your dating choices will be unhealthy. That’s how it works.
So, take a look at your degree of value. Are you worthy of a healthy and happy relationship? Do you deserve to be happy? Can you accept that you can truly have a healthy and nourishing relationship one day?
Or do you believe that you don’t have those necessary qualities to “attract” a healthy mate? Or perhaps you believe you don’t deserve to be happy for some reason.
If you find you have significant doubts about your true worth and what you deserve in good ways, it might be a good idea to seek professional guidance. Sometimes it‘s really difficult to see outside ourselves in a different way other than what we’ve believed for most of our life.
You might be surprised to learn how common this issue is for many people, if not most.
6. Most Common Mistake In Dating – Not First Fixing Low Self-Esteem
So take a good look at those things about you that you really love and fully accept. You might find you truly don’t see the good things in you and don’t feel very hopeful that those things will change. This is not uncommon when someone didn’t have nourishing experiences early in life.
And it doesn’t mean it’s your parents’ fault. Sometimes we have negative experiences early on that stay with us through the “child’s brain” and we take it with us into adulthood. Perhaps it happened in school with other kids.
We don’t recognize that those beliefs are not accurate and have come from the “child’s mind” in us.
But I believe it is never too late to make positive changes. Even if you are in an unhealthy relationship that you want to keep, self-esteem work is truly important.
Everyone deserves to be happy. Sometimes it takes a bit of work to get there, however. That’s normal. It’s important to value yourself. By doing this work you are demonstrating that you are worthy of happiness in life.
For more information on Self-Esteem and how it affects our dating experiences, check out my blog at lifeandrelationships101.com.