So What if You Don’t Have Someone for Valentine’s Day? Make it About YOU!

Valentines BearHere we go again. You don’t have someone for Valentine’s Day. Another Valentine’s Day with high expectations, or for others, sadness. Is it simply a day to avoid or to look forward to it? Fun? Expensive? Depressing? Emotionally Void of feelings?

Holidays are never “a one size fits all” no matter what the industry wants you to believe. You can see Valentine’s Day as a romantic holiday, or one of dread, pressure, and overspending. 

For some, it reminds them of being alone and feeling “less than” or inadequate. For others, it is a holiday to demonstrate or perhaps “show off” that you are “loved” by someone. However, you can still feel inadequate inside no matter how cute the person is, or expensive is the restaurant. And for others, it may be a feeling that is somewhere in between.

 This is a good time to reflect on what this holiday really means to you. Let’s take a look at the possibilities. 

Don’t Let Dating Pressure Define Your Worth

Look around you. How many people do you know who really worry about not finding the right person and being alone for the rest of their life? Or perhaps they fear being stuck with the same person for eternity. Or they feel (mostly in women) they will “age out” of the desired age group to be married.

Believe me, it is much better to take your time, know and value yourself first, before settling down with a lifetime mate. The more you know yourself, the better match you will likely find in a mate. 

The divorce rate is so high, not because marriage doesn’t work. It’s high because people don’t know how to find the real value in themselves, and don’t know how to pick the right person. How were they to learn this? It’s not taught in school.

And as important as the timing, is the degree of your own self-worth. Let’s take a better look at this next.

In A Way, It’s All About You – Especially Before Finding Your Special Someone

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel loved. But what is most important is how you feel about yourself inside. Your popular friend could have many suitors and still not feel “good enough” deep inside. You may know some people who seek out the most attractive person they can date to feel better about themselves. 

Others may serial date so no one person sees how they really feel about themselves, what’s really“wrong with them. This way, no one will know their “secret”. They can still put up a front of being “awesome”. 

We tend to attract the same degree of self-esteem in a partner as we have ourselves. It may show in different ways, but the process is the same. So, if you dare, take an inventory of who you have dated and see the degree of self-esteem “health” you may have had at the time of dating them. If it wasn’t very high, did it improve over time? If not, then you have some work to do in order to be with an emotionally healthy mate. 

I remember when I first got this concept, I was shocked at what I found. I had a lot of work to do on myself. It was never that I lacked good things inside. It was that I never really let those good things in. That was a real wakeup call for me!

Sound familiar? Or maybe you are not even at the place you can possibly recognize those good things inside you. No worries. There’s a fix for that. Ask your healthier friends about the good things they value in you. If they tend to be competitive, as women can be at times, then it’s the wrong person to ask. You need to trust the people you ask will be straight with you, and not competitive. 

You don’t have someone for Valentine’s Day? —  So what?

So…..getting back to Valentine’s Day sneaking up on us……..let’s see what you can do to get through this holiday without a disgusting taste in your mouth. Or perhaps not having to hide, or worse yet, get a guy to take you out…just “cuz” it’s Valentine’s Day and you want to have your own story to tell the next day.

If you don’t have someone for Valentine’s Day —  So what? Make it work for you! Here are some healthier ways to get through “the day”….

  • Get a movie you have been waiting to see and grab some popcorn.
  • Better yet, do this with a good friend (probably avoid a love story or rom-com).
  • Baby-sit your married sibling’s kids.
  • Don’t have nieces or nephews? Babysit and make some money off of the holiday.
  • Call your Grandma to wish her a wonderful Valentine’s Day (unless she is likely to ask why you are not on a date).

Bottom line, If You Don’t Have a special someone for Valentine’s Day, be special to someone else. 

A Time For Reflection

  • Make a list of those qualities you really value in yourself and what you want the right people to also value in you.
  • List the “must-haves” for what you want in a mate.
  • Are there things you think you need to improve upon to feel better about yourself?

This doesn’t have to happen on Valentine’s Day. You can do this anytime.

Final Thoughts

Not having a “special someone” for Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be obnoxious. You don’t have to hide away someplace because you feel “less than” those who are celebrating Valentine’s Day. Remember, there are many people who are just going through the motions of having a “special person” in order to to feel good about themselves. But this is not how feeling good about yourself occurs.

Find those things you most value about yourself. If you truly don’t know, then ask healthy friends around you who have enjoyed or valued those qualities in you all along the way. 

And don’t be afraid to seek counseling to help you find those great things you may never have been told before!

 

 

About Susan Saint-Welch

Susan Saint-Welch LMFT has counseled couples and individuals for many years on issues such as dating, marriage, family drama, coping with difficult times, improving self-image and living the life you love. She provides psychotherapy for clients in California and Couples and Life Coaching for clients outside California through secure video conferencing. She has published numerous articles regarding these issues on her website, on YourTango.com and on MSN.com.

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