Finding the right mate for a successful relationship requires knowing and valuing yourself first, and what you want. We tend to attract the same level of self-esteem in our mate as what we have in ourselves. It’s not a guessing game If you know what you want and also have those same qualities.
I am not saying that you two need to be the same person. However, you need to have a lot in common to share a life together. Here are some guidelines to determine what you want and if your guy or girl is the right one.
1. Both of You Feel Valued, Respected and Admired by the Other
Finding the right mate means you both feel valued, respected and admired by the other. When we feel valued and respected by our mate we are more likely to value and respect them as well. After all, they become your most important adult in your life. You want to feel that they admire who you are and that they demonstrate this.
Feeling respected by your mate means having someone who believes in you and wants you to be happy in life. They support your decisions and are there to offer you assistance in meeting your goals. You feel admired by them.
This is your special person in the world. You want to know that they admire and respect who you are – that they value the qualities that make you who you are! But each of you needs to demonstrate this value to the other. You both are each other’s fan club!
It’s like having your best friend and cheerleader all in one package!
2. You Enjoy Many of the Same Activities
Part of a successful relationship involves having things in common. Common interests are really important because you need to spend quality time together to feel connected. A great and easy way to do this is to share some activities that you both like to do.
It’s always a great idea to expand your own personal tastes. So over time, you may find that by each of you trying some of your mate’s favorite activities you develop new ways of enjoying each other’s company.
You don’t have to spend most of your time always together. Pick activities you both enjoy, and then to also do your own thing. By having your own interests you each have more to share about your day. In addition, you both can bring your friends together for a barbeque or party where they can meet each other as well! This way you are also expanding ways to share time together.
3. Finding The Right Mate Means Your Happiness is Important to Each Other
Feeling valued by your mate is a necessary component of feeling connected and that you matter to one another. This is the person you will rely upon in life to make healthy choices. You want to feel valued by your special person because he means the most to you and you value him as well.
This can be demonstrated in a variety of ways. You consult each other when buying furniture, or certainly a house or car. Where do you want to travel? Do you want a career or do you want to stay home with kids?
When you don’t feel you matter to your mate, you can feel demeaned, devalued and deeply hurt. After all, this is the person you most care about and want to please and share your life with. This is how you build trust in your mate.
4. You Both Demonstrate The Same Values Over Time
How we live our lives depends upon our values. Honesty, helpfulness, selfishness, being generous vs thrifty or even just plain cheap, all make a difference in how we make decisions and how we relate to others. It even defines how we value ourselves and others.
How does your mate treat others? Is this similar to your style? How does it make you feel? Do you want someone who lives on the edge, or makes concrete plans over time? How do they treat people in general, and especially you over time?
Your values define how you live your life and vice versa. In order to share a life with someone, your values will determine your life choices along the way.
5. You Are Comfortable With Each Other’s Sexual Desires
Sexual intimacy is very important in a romantic relationship. It can connect you, increase closeness and emotional intimacy, and ideally, it is something that only the two of you share together.
It’s important that the two of you are both comfortable with your sexual practices. This is not always the case, however. When it isn’t naturally the same, it’s important for the couple to find compromises that are acceptable to both partners. This is not only about particular practices, but how often it occurs.
Now, the challenge is to match each other’s preferences as much as possible. Statistically speaking, women want or need to feel emotionally connected prior to having sex. Men, however, most often statistically speaking, feel more emotionally connected through having sex. So find a way to make sexual intimacy enjoyable and comfortable for both partners.
6. Finding The Right Mate Means You Have Similar Ideas on Managing Money
Money issues can cause frequent arguments if the two of you are not on the same page. How each of you spends or saves money can easily be a hot topic that causes friction, or brings you together in terms of your goals.
Are you a saver and more conservative? Or are you more impulsive? How we spend our money depends upon how we live our life. If conservative, do you prefer to eat well or do you save your money for clothes or travel?
Issues can involve smaller details such as when you pay your bills. Do you wait until the deadline or pay ahead of time to avoid the worry of forgetting to pay at all? Do you prefer to pay off debt? Or does acquired debt not worry you at all?
It doesn’t need to match across the board, but on a larger scale, your financial picture as a couple will likely be a mixture of both of your habits. However, if this is not agreed upon in some manner, your credit may negatively affect your mate or vice versa.
7. You Can Talk Through Issues Successfully Even When You Are Not in Complete Agreement
This is a tough one, but a necessary skill to have in place in deciding upon a committed relationship. Life happens to all of us. Whether we can talk through issues effectively and still maintain feeling connected afterward can deeply affect your relationship.
The more comfortable you feel in talking through things will also determine in part, the stability of your relationship. Again, it requires respecting one another’s opinions and wanting to find a middle ground that is good for both of you. It is so NOT about who is right or wrong!
To do this, you want to stay away from judging one another and to focus more on a solution both of you can live with. There will be times when one person is happier with the decision than the other. However, this needs to be reciprocated another time down the road. When not in full agreement, focus on the compromise.
Successful relationships involve good communication.
8. Your Religious Beliefs Need to be Compatible if You Want Your Mate to Share Your Spirituality
Whether you are both religious or not, if faith is involved, it needs to be respected by the other person. When faith is practiced by one or both it often becomes a part of the lifestyle of a person.
This doesn’t mean that the mate must share this belief or practice. But it’s important to demonstrate respect for the partner’s belief. It may be different in how this looks, but the bottom line is that each partner feels respected about their particular beliefs.
Is it ok with you if your mate does not practice or share your religious beliefs? What if you have different faiths and churches? You will need to find a way to make this work for both of you.
If you want to have kids one day, you must discuss and agree upon the role religion will play in their lives, and how they will reconcile any differences in your practices.
9. Finding The Right Mate Means Agreeing Upon Having Kids or Not
When one partner wants kids and the other partner does not, or doesn’t want to really be actively involved, this presents a challenge. This presents a very difficult challenge if the woman gets pregnant. Was it done on purpose, with the hope that the partner would “grow” to want to be a parent? Or was it an accidental pregnancy? It usually doesn’t work out very well either way.
It’s important to really talk about whether to have kids or not and when. Both partners need to be on the same side. I’m not saying that everyone should already know fully whether to be a parent or not. However, this can be life-changing in a relationship and needs to be fully and honestly discussed earlier than later.
It’s common for someone to not feel strongly about parenthood one way or another. But if the couple can discuss this together, they may find an answer to that question together.
Either way, both partners need to be on the same page.
10. You Must Balance Your Parenting Styles
Most often, parents tend to balance each other in their parenting styles. The most important thing is to work together as parents. One parent works in “harmony” with the other in terms of support. But your styles need to complement one another for it to work well.
Regardless of the method, you and your partner need to be on the same page. It doesn’t work when one parent is the “good” cop and the other parent is seen as the “bad” cop – especially it was not mutually agreed upon by both parents.
Regardless of the parenting style, it needs to be consistent for it to work.
11. You Have Similar Life Plans for the Future
Some people might have a long-term plan of moving to Italy one day when the kids are grown. Or another might be planning on staying locally wherever the grown kids are with their own families. These are not really the same plans and would be tricky to combine.
I know it seems way far off in the distance and plans can easily change. However, sometimes family dynamics can have precedence over other plans, wanted or otherwise.
It’s good to talk things out just to see where you both currently are in regard to the future. It’s also fun to talk about your own dreams with each other. You never know where they will take you!
Successful relationships are about being friends, admiring each other and feeling fortunate that you found the right mate.
If the two of you can discuss these subjects then you are off to a great start in terms of being with the right mate!
Please see my related articles on creating a relationship checklist