Living The Life You Love

Susan reflects on how you can design your life to live the life you love. The articles below may help your current situation or you can suggest an article or get help by contacting Susan Saint-Welch HERE. She does not provide psychotherapy by email or outside California.

You Must See The Whole Person. You Can’t Just Pick The Values You Like

See Whole Person

Wouldn’t it be a perfect relationship world if we could love someone without seeing the “the bad and the ugly” in them and just focus on their good values? Well, some people do this everyday, but unfortunately we live with all the parts, and are affected by all the parts. No one is perfect and we live with their imperfections, just as we live with our own. The important factor is knowing the difference between the values we can truly live with and what we cannot. Why We Can’t Pick and Choose What to See in a Person Have you…

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Make Your Decisions Out Of Desire- Not Fear Or Avoidance

We make hundreds of decisions a day, of which most are unconscious. What to eat, what to wear, when to leave for work, which lane to drive in, which calls we take and which calls we let go to voicemail. Even where we focus our eyes. Making Conscious Decisions We make some decisions more consciously. When we need to end a relationship. Who to date. Even more importantly, who to marry. Whether or not to have children is a very difficult decision for some people. Most of these decisions come from desire. Making Decisions From A Fear of a Negative…

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Find And Fill That Emotional Hole in Your Heart

Emotional Hole

In “Havana”, Camila Cabello sings of longing for her home after she lets a guy take her away to East Atlanta. This is a great example of an emotional hole inside our heart, or inside what I call our core being. This feeling will not go away unless we fill that emptiness, or at least fully resolve not having it and find fulfillment in another way. Most everyone has felt a deep emotional hole inside for one reason or another.  It can come from a variety of reasons, but they all have in common an absence or loss of something…

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Single Lifestyle Most of Your Life. How Do You Make Room For a Mate?

For whatever reason – career, lifestyle choices or past breakup – you are living a single lifestyle. You don’t have to make room for someone else. Your decisions are your own. No one else to consider. Your needs for more “Me Time” are irrelevant. How you spend your money doesn’t involve the consideration of others as much. What you eat or where you eat doesn’t matter. How you spend your leisure time does not necessarily involve the decision-making of someone else. You may fully enjoy this single lifestyle, or it came out of your life choices or circumstances. You have…

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The Bullseye Exercise: Make Decisions Based Upon the Person’s Value to You

Too often we feel pressure to do something because someone is “counting on us”, but we really don’t want to do it. The Bullseye Exercise helps to make that decision by identifying the degree of value we attribute to a particular relationship. In using the Bullseye to make these decisions, the farther away a person is from the center, the less we go out of our way for them. We put less energy into the relationship, and do not work as hard to work out disagreements. We put less energy into pleasing them. Conversely, the closer to the bullseye, the…

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Relationship Pillar #4: TIME reveals a mate’s true nature

TIME, Relationship Pillar #4, is often the most challenging one. TIME refers to consistently practicing each of the three preceding pillars for at least 6 months. After 6 months of regular and sustained interaction you can be fairly certain you have witnessed the full range of behaviors in your potential partner. You can then rationally evaluate whether this is the person for you. To recap – If you have no agenda, have eyes are open and willing to see, and you are practicing the various skills and concepts relating to relationships (the 1st three Pillars) for 6 months or more,…

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Relationship Pillar #3: Concepts & Skills To Navigate Situations

Concepts and skills are vital to successfully navigating any relationship. People don’t know what they don’t know, so they often interpret situations blindly. Concepts help us to understand what is going on. You have to know what you are looking at and experiencing first, before you can navigate the situation. Skills are the things we can do to deal with the situation in a way that makes us feel better or more clear regarding what we are seeing. Then our choices come out of these two processes. When we understand something more clearly we feel more in control. We know…

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Our Comfort Zone: How It Affects Our Life, Relationships, Employment

What is a Comfort Zone? We all have our own Comfort Zone. It is that warm feeling we get when our experiences conform to familiar and acceptable patterns. When we leave our Comfort Zone, we feel uncomfortable because we are doing something that is out of our norm. It could be a new experience, or it could be out of our normal range of values. It can also come up when we begin to challenge our own thinking and it takes us out of our range of how we believe. Perhaps someone is challenging us to do something we have…

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Relationship Pillar #2: Eyes Open and Willing to See the Truth

If we close our eyes it doesn’t mean the situation “magically” changes or doesn’t exist. We need to have our eyes open – Open and Willing to See “What Is” – for us to make changes that do not work for us. I have heard numerous times from people that some negative behavior in their mate just “suddenly” appeared out of the blue. The reality is either: They did not recognize or understand what they were experiencing in the other person. Or They chose to ignore it with the hope of it going “away” over time; that it was just…

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Relationship Pillar #1: No Agenda – No Belief It MUST Be A Certain Way

What is an Agenda? An agenda is a belief that we keep because it serves a purpose. We believe it “must be” this way for us to be “OK” or to get what we want. For example, we believe that if we are 30 years old, female and not in a committed relationship we are doomed to be single the rest of our life. Or we believe that if we choose to not have children we will be judged as “selfish”. Or if we are the first and only couple to be divorced in our family we will be seen…

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