How to Argue With Your Mate and Stay Connected

Argue with your mateWhat happens when you argue with your mate? Do you quickly end the conversation and walk away? Does one partner yell and scream or belittle the other?  Someone ends up sleeping on the couch that night? Do your issues end up unresolved?

See how to fix this dilemma.  Remember, they don’t teach this in school, so how are you to know what works? There are positive solutions that may help your relationship before you give up.


Why Most People Avoid Talking Things Out

A lot of negative things can happen very quickly when two people disagree with each other. It can be difficult and uncomfortable to talk about things, for fear of hurting the other.

When a disconnect occurs it may be difficult to reconnect with each other. Often people fear a disagreement will lead to their partner pulling away or shutting down altogether. 

It’s very common and often not disclosed that a partner may fear being judged by his partner because he judges himself harshly and in silence. 

Therefore, it’s common to become avoidant of bringing anything negative up in conversation. So what can you do if you want this relationship to really work?

Let’s look at different scenarios and what may help you to avoid if you argue with your mate.


Fear of Pushing Your Mate Away

This is very common. Couples most often want to be close, connected, and to feel valued by their partner. However, many things can get in the way, such as a fear of the partner shutting down and distancing themself from their partner. 

If this occurs, you can explain to them without blaming, that you don’t want to push them away or blame them. You can tell her that you want to find a way where you both can talk through things and reconnect afterward. 


What to Do When One of You Shuts Down 

Very similar to the example of feeling fear of pushing your partner away is how to deal with him when he shuts down and won’t talk things out. Or perhaps you are the one to shut down when you argue with your mate.

First, try to understand that the two of you came together out of love, joy, fun, etc. and that you want each of you to feel safe in approaching the partner to talk through things. Then let them know, that you truly value the relationship and miss the connection with him when you feel disconnected.

You can also ask what feels better for him if one of you wanted to talk through something. For example, you each first think through what the issue is really about and what each of you would want by the end of the discussion. 


The Right Way to Argue With Your Mate in a Nutshell

  • Keep away from blaming one another. Blaming shuts people down.
  • If you feel you hurt the other on purpose, you need to apologize and tell your mate you will find a better way to talk through an issue.
  • If your mate is the one using blame, tell him that you want to talk things out but when you feel blamed you tend to shut down.
  • You can also tell your mate that you want to hear what he has to say because he matters to you. 
  • Rather than blaming, talk about what you want instead of what is currently going on when you both have a conversation that may feel uncomfortable.
  • Explain that you both can hear each other better when you stay away from blame and focus on what you each want. This helps to build trust in one another.
  • It’s very important to stay away from blaming one another, especially out of anger. That never leads to a positive outcome.
  • Each can think about what they want by the end of the discussion before they begin the talk. And never forget what you see in your partner that feels really good. Remember to tell them often.
  • And most important to remember is that relationship dynamics are not taught in school, so how are people to know how to navigate?  Don’t be afraid to seek the help of a psychotherapist. They are trained in the specialty of relationships and can teach you how to navigate your relationship more effectively.


Final Words

Romantic relationships are tricky and involve a lot of work and effort. If you can put the effort into the relationship, things become easier. But a relationship always takes the effort of two people for it to really work. 

If you want professional help but your partner refuses to seek professional guidance, you can get the help yourself. A psychotherapist can be very helpful in guiding you to realize what you are truly wanting, and how to attain that to the best of your ability. The psychotherapist can support you in whatever your goal may be, to the best of their ability. 


Other Sources for Related Articles on Relationships:

About Susan Saint-Welch

Susan Saint-Welch LMFT has counseled couples and individuals for many years on issues such as dating, marriage, family drama, coping with difficult times, improving self-image and living the life you love. She provides psychotherapy for clients in California and Dating, Couples and Life Coaching for clients outside California through secure video conferencing. She has published numerous articles regarding these issues on her website, on and on

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