How to Find your True & Positive Self and Get Past Negative Experiences

Get Past Negative ExperiencesWe all come from a variety of backgrounds, experiences (good and bad), and lessons we learned along the way. But often on this path, we find that we may focus on our faults rather than find our true and positive self.

Even though you may have had a rough childhood, or had to move around a lot as a child, you always had value. You just may have not been shown that in growing up. Or sometimes, parents can be nurturing but our school experiences wipe out the positive experiences at home.

After all, how many of us believed that our parents would love us “no matter what”? Which sounds great, but can also be interpreted that they had a bias of your true value. Or quite the contrary, you were told by your parents or caregivers that you were “worthless” or had no value worth holding on to.

Let’s first take a look at why this issue even matters in our current life.

Why Valuing Ourselves is So Important

  • As we learn to find value ourselves, the more positive experiences we will have in life. In addition, the more we become our true and positive selves.
  • When something doesn’t work for us, instead of ruminating on it and devaluing ourselves with blame, we see our humanness and try to move forward.
  • By accepting our “humanness” we can discover what works and what doesn’t work.
  • We would be more willing to ask for help when needed.
  • By not accumulating shame inside us over the years, we would be able to learn from our mistakes (that we all have) and move forward in a positive way.
  • We would not harbor bad experiences that we held onto over the years because we learned from them and made positive changes.
  • By doing positive work along the way, we are able to pass our lessons along to our family, children, and friends.


How Did I Lose My Self-Worth Along the Way?

Most often, as a child, we learn that we are not “perfect”, which is human. However, sometimes what we hear about us is mostly negative. As a child, we don’t have the capacity to challenge those thoughts.

After all, if we couldn’t totally rely on the adults around us, it would have been pretty scary. Children don’t have a fully developed brain until about 21 years of age for females and 23 years of age for males. Sorry guys, I’m just reporting what has been written.

Therefore, as children and adolescents, we really couldn’t have known how the world truly works. We just knew what we saw and experienced around us. Many children and adolescents were devalued by those adults and kids around them.

The lucky children were those whose parents talked to them about their true worth and how to handle being bullied by others. But sometimes a child felt so ashamed and “less than” they would not have thought to talk about it with their parents. So their “view of self” remains negative because that’s what they know and experience.


What Can I Do to Get My True Self-Worth Back?

  • Accept that we are all human and make mistakes.
  • What’s most important about mistakes is that it gives us an opportunity to understand what didn’t work and to go another, healthier way.
  • It isn’t necessary to blame our parents for their style of parenting, especially if it wasn’t healthy. Instead, an aunt or uncle or even a grandparent who is the nurturing one in the family may step up with nurturing guidance.
  • If that didn’t happen, it may be up to you to move forward in a healthy way. For example, seeking a psychotherapist is a great way to move in a positive direction.
  • Look for those people and their actions (even strangers) that seem to be emotionally healthy. Identify those behaviors and practice them.
  • Read those articles that resonate with you to learn how to move forward. I’ve included a couple of articles that may interest you on Self-Worth. But there are plenty of other articles around you can find.

Final Words

The most important information I want you to walk away with is to realize that parents often raise their kids the way they were raised. They don’t teach parenting in school, especially currently.

Allow the humanness in you, that you can learn along the way, making mistakes and correcting them. Never forget that we are all human. The healthy part of us wants to move forward in positive and effective ways. Sometimes we may veer off the path, but try to get back on to a healthy road.

And most importantly, your childhood does not define who you are. You can move forward at any time if you so choose.

It’s exciting to find your true and positive Self! Be well!


Here Are Some Additional Articles Related to Self-Worth and Positive Self-Esteem

Guy Winch, Ph.D.

7 Most Effective Tools and Activities

Self-esteem: Take steps to feel better about yourself

About Susan Saint-Welch

Susan Saint-Welch LMFT has counseled couples and individuals for many years on issues such as dating, marriage, family drama, coping with difficult times, improving self-image and living the life you love. She provides psychotherapy for clients in California and Dating, Couples and Life Coaching for clients outside California through secure video conferencing. She has published numerous articles regarding these issues on her website, on and on

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