Feel Like Giving Up on Finding a Mate? Read This First!

Finding a MateWhen a person says they “want” to find a mate, but “somehow” it never works out, there is likely something in the way of them finding that mate.

Sound familiar? No worries. You are not alone. Let’s take a look at what might be in your way and what to do to move forward one way or another.

Reasons People Give Up Finding a Mate

Fear of Rejection or Deeply Hurt by Another Person. 

No one wants to get hurt. But if you are trying to find the “right” person for you, you’re probably going to have to go through at least several people first. 

If you get rejected it in no way defines you. Now, if you continue to be rejected, then likely something is in the way. Let’s take a look at some examples of how fear can keep us from moving forward.

Feeling You are Not Good Enough To Find a True Mate

We all have our own experiences that shape our self-esteem. That in no way means that these experiences provide an accurate perception of us in childhood.

As children, we don’t have the capacity to question our experiences with parents, relatives, and friends. Often we carry these “feelings and memories” with us, even though our memories remain through a child’s limited capacity to fully comprehend. 

Also, sometimes parents, kids, teachers, etc, carry with them protective layers to avoid getting hurt in life. These layers can easily affect those around them, especially when it’s negative and/or hurtful. A child is unable to understand that parents are emotionally healthy, so the child can’t discern what’s accurate and what’s more about the parent.

Fear of Abandonment by a Mate

 Finding a mate can easily have you feeling vulnerable. When someone leaves us or pulls away, we feel rejected. Most often this fear comes from not feeling “good enough” or feeling damaged. The more we value ourselves, the easier it is to believe that we are worth having a healthy relationship, and it’s easier to see that you may not be in a healthy relationship, to begin with.

Afraid of Losing Yourself in a True Relationship

This dynamic is very similar to the fear of abandonment. It still boils down to a lack of belief that you are worthy of a healthy relationship with the right person. The more you truly value yourself in healthy ways, the easier it is to find and attract a healthy mate.

Healthy people want their mate to be happy as well. They are more likely to want to make things better for both partners, rather than just for themselves.

Worrying About Marrying the Wrong Person and Feeling Stuck

It’s not uncommon for people to be unsure of how the relationship will evolve, and if it will be healthy. However, there are professionals who can help you navigate your decision-making. 

Sometimes you improve your relationship with the help of your mate and a trained psychotherapist.

Other times one will truly feel the relationship will never work in healthy ways, so seeking the help of a psychotherapist can make that decision easier and can help you move forward towards a better and healthier match.

Concerned That You Will Lose Doing the Things You Love 

A healthy partner who values you will understand that you need to do some activities on your own. Or they may value what you want to do and will go along with that activity because it’s important to you.

But it works the opposite way as well. It’s important to also value what your partner wants in the relationship. It doesn’t work well if it’s not mutual.

Healthy partners want their mates to do the things they enjoy and vice versa. Activities don’t always have to be done together. Mates can balance the relationship by also doing things with their friends This enhances a healthy relationship with your partner. It’s important to balance relationships with your partner as well as your friends.


How to Know if You Really Don’t Want a Permanent Mate

First of all, it’s important to know you are not a bad person or that you are broken if you prefer to not have a permanent mate. It’s a preference of what works for you.

However, if you come from fear of being hurt or some other negative fear, then it may easily be more about “avoidance of getting hurt”. That’s different from finding that you truly don’t enjoy the thought of having a permanent mate.  

Note: You must know the difference between a true want versus fear of being hurt or some other dynamic that’s in the way of allowing yourself to want a partner.


Tackling What’s in the Way of Finding Your True Mate

The situations above are just examples of how to figure out what you truly want, rather than accepting negative situations to avoid being hurt.

Not feeling “good enough”, fearing or actually feeling trapped in a relationship, or possibly losing the things you most enjoy, often get in the way of finding a true and healthy mate.

Psychotherapists are trained to help you navigate your feelings, fears, and wants. They can help guide you to find what’s in the way of your happiness, and how to navigate your path.


Making Peace With Your Decision

Okay, so you have done your thinking, perhaps working with a therapist, and have begun to identify what you really want, and hopefully how to get there. It may be that you choose to move forward on your own or to fully accept that finding a mate is what you truly want. Making peace with your decision is vital.

Perhaps, it’s neither example. You may find that you like relationships but without marriage, or permanency. That’s fine to do if it matches the people you want to be with.

Making peace with your decision can change along the way. If you find you can’t really make up your mind, it could be time to seek the help of a psychotherapist who can help you learn what’s in the way for you to move forward. 

Some people may have regrets about their decisions. Regrets are not productive and get in the way of making peace with yourself. If you find you have not made a choice that works for you, fix it! 

It’s often helpful to see a therapist who can teach you how to move forward, one way or another. Remember, schools don’t teach how to find a healthy mate that fits you, or that you are still a normal person if you choose to navigate on your own.

About Susan Saint-Welch

Susan Saint-Welch LMFT has counseled couples and individuals for many years on issues such as dating, marriage, family drama, coping with difficult times, improving self-image and living the life you love. She provides psychotherapy for clients in California and Dating, Couples and Life Coaching for clients outside California through secure video conferencing. She has published numerous articles regarding these issues on her website, on YourTango.com and on MSN.com.

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