Where People Go Wrong in Their Current Dating Choices

Wrong Dating ChoicesIf you are one of the many people who go wrong in dating choices, you are in good company. We all have been there at one time or another.

The “fun-loving,” often drunk, confident, and popular individuals aren’t always what they’re “cracked up to be.” You’ve heard of the often-used phrase “careful what you ask for; you might just get it.”

Now, this doesn’t apply to every popular, attractive, highly intelligent, etc., person. I’m talking about the “wanna-bees” who inside really feel insecure and not at all what they appear to be.

One of the biggest downfalls of potential relationships is when people look outside themselves for a “better,” more popular person than themselves.

Let’s look at the wrong choices in dating and then move to the right choices that you should be looking for that more easily lead to healthy and long-lasting relationships.


What People Often Look for in a Mate That is SO WRONG!

  • Cutest/hottest
  • Most popular
  • High-paying job
  • What “appears” to be Self-Confidence or the “Life of the Party.”
  • Easy-going (but they often mean “submissive.”)
  • Strong-minded
  • Status of some kind that is recognized by other people
  • A Really Fun Person


What’s Wrong With The Above Dating Choices

  • Everyone ages over time. We usually don’t get better looking as we age. And beauty on the outside does not always reflect beauty on the inside.
  • People go wrong in their dating choices when they try to date the most “ popular” person. Often, this person may be highly insecure and works to keep his/her status throughout their life for fear of rejection or lack of importance. 
  • When someone focuses on what their future mate “can bring to the table,” it’s more about status or money than it is about the potential mate.
  • Sometimes people who appear “self-confident” may feel “inadequate” inside but hide this from others.
  • Genuinely self-confident people don’t need to “flaunt” their confidence for others.
  • Being the “life of the party” is almost always about insecurity and the need to feed one’s ego. It can also be a fear of not being accepted by others.
  • People who focus on their status or to be around others with status often reflect a lack of self-esteem.
  • When people think of a person as the “entertaining guy,” they are often referring to someone who is insecure and feels the need to entertain people to be noticed and valued. Also, often this may be one of the most intoxicated individuals at the party.


Note: These are examples and are not always the case. Many people are “fun,” have a great personality, are very bright, etc., and are not insecure, needy, or are an alcoholic. 


What You Should Be Looking For In You before Seeking a Potential Mate

First of all, it’s essential to have healthy attributes for yourself. Here are some examples of healthy traits to have of your own before looking for someone else to “complete you.”

  • A belief in yourself and that you have value just by being “you.”
  • You truly like who you are. No one is perfect, so there will always be some attributes that you don’t like. That’s the humanness in us.
  • That you don’t need ever to be someone you’re not, to please another person, the “right” person (including friends) will already like and accept you as you are. No one is perfect.
  • You can identify those things you value about yourself, as well as those attributes that could use a bit of “tweaking” to be healthy.  
  • A belief that you deserve close friends who demonstrate that they value you and genuinely want the very best for you. 
  • You don’t need a mate to be “whole.” You want a mate to enjoy life, feel connected, start a family, travel, etc.


Why These Are the Right Dating Choices in a Mate

These attributes demonstrate healthy beliefs and actions. Being an emotionally healthy person who makes healthy choices results in creating fulfilling and long-lasting relationships. Here are some examples:

  • Someone who demonstrates valuing you as you are and does not try to change you into someone else. Your mate sees the ”good, the bad, and the ugly” that we all have. It’s the humanness in us.
  • He inspires and supports you to go after the healthy things that make you happy.
  • There is no unhealthy “competition” between you and your mate.
  • Your mate “hears” you and listens to what you say, and is responsive.
  • If you disagree on something, you both can talk it through and compromise when need be.
  • He also lives a healthy life.
  • Your mate strives to improve himself along the way, just like you do.

It’s very important to create a “must-have” list so that:

1. You are clear with what characteristics you want to live with in the future.

2. You are more likely to be aware of the choices of attributes you have already identified if you keep the list available for you to look at along the way.

3. You will be less “tempted” to override the qualities you have identified that are most important to you.


Final Thoughts

Dating and having romantic relationships is incredibly challenging because many people don’t have an accurate view of their True Self. Therefore, it’s most likely they will attract someone who is also not emotionally healthy. 

However, when your Self-Esteem is genuinely positive and healthy, you will attract a healthy person if you so choose. You both will always need to work through difficult times, even in a great relationship. 

Relationships are a lot of work. You will always have to put effort into your romantic relationship for it to endure. But when you have a healthy person who values you, it’s worth it in the end.

About Susan Saint-Welch

Susan Saint-Welch LMFT has counseled couples and individuals for many years on issues such as dating, marriage, family drama, coping with difficult times, improving self-image and living the life you love. She provides psychotherapy for clients in California and Dating, Couples and Life Coaching for clients outside California through secure video conferencing. She has published numerous articles regarding these issues on her website, on YourTango.com and on MSN.com.

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