You Are Not in Control of Your Heart – But Here is What You CAN Do!

Control Of Your HeartThere is no magic in finding your ” right” mate in life. It’s about believing in yourself, having a clear picture of what you want, and sticking to that. But to do that, some factors need to be in place. The reality is that you are not in control of your heart.

Let’s take a look at the factors that significantly increase your ability to find your best mate.


Make Sure Your Self-Esteem is Healthy

We tend to attract about the same degree of mental health in a mate as we have ourselves, like it or not. That’s how it seems to work. It may look different in terms of characteristics and particular ways of living in the world, but the underlying emotional health tends to be about the same.

So take a look at your level of self-esteem. Do you judge yourself to be “less than” most others around you? Do you feel “broken” in some ways? Is it your belief that you can learn new skills and improve how you feel about yourself? Or do you think you will never have what it takes to have a healthy mate?

Remember, you are not in control of your heart. Can you make healthy decisions you’ll live with in the future?

These are all essential things to ask yourself. If you find you don’t value yourself as much as the “future mate” you want, then there is some work to do first. One of my specialties is Self-Esteem. If you like, take a look at these two categories and check out the articles. 1) Improving Self Image. 2) Dating and Relationships


Do You Deserve a Good Person as a Mate?

Believing you deserve to be happy is a “cousin” to your level of self-esteem. The more you value and believe in yourself, the more you accept the concept of deserving a good life and a mate. I’m not talking about wealth, but more about the quality of your life and the degree of happiness and joy you feel.

Take a good look at this concept. Your decisions come out of how you truly value yourself. If you find some things that don’t work for you in terms of how you cope, make decisions, choice of friends, etc., then change that. This is your first step in gaining control of your heart. If you don’t know how to do this, you can read up on that, or seek professional guidance. After all, how are we to know all of the pieces that go into a healthy lifestyle? We’re not.


Do the Work To Attract a Healthy Mate

The more work you do to feel better about yourself, the more you will move forward because of believing you can be happy. Your future decisions will come out of your real value if you believe in yourself.

How do you make your decisions? Are they healthy ones, and do they work for you? If not, identify what doesn’t work and where you get off track and why.

Are there things about you that you don’t like, or accept? If so, figure out what you do want, and then work on those things you don’t like, or don’t work well for you. Stick to your work and make the necessary changes.

As you do this work, be conscious of the things you already value about yourself. Everyone has something they are good at or that is healthy. Focus on that, and try not to judge yourself too much. We are all human. Stay focused on the steps to move forward.

Be mindful of judging yourself. When you do, apologize to yourself and correct the belief. Sounds “hokey,” I know. But it stops you from continuing that belief at the moment, and eventually, it will become more natural for you not to judge yourself.

Continue this process and watch for new signs of moving forward. You gain control of your heart as you gain control of your self-esteem.


Your “Must Have” Characteristics In A Mate Are Yours Also

Pick the top 5-10 qualities you want in a mate. Do you also have these qualities? Do you practice these behaviors? If not, you need to. You must “be” those things you want in a partner. For example, if you want someone responsible, you need to be responsible in your life as well.

If you want someone to make all of the decisions for you because you don’t like doing that, most likely, you’re going to attract a controlling person. This dynamic seems to play out most often. So be mindful and realistic about what you truly want.


You’re Not in Control of Your Heart – Commit to Your “Must Have’s”

Along the way, you may be intrigued by someone who does not have the qualities you say you truly want. You have to decide what qualities you truly. Do you give up even one of the qualities you thought you wanted in a mate? Is this genuinely OK for you, or are you making excuses to go for “less” because it is there now?

Did you change your mind that this quality is a necessity for you? Or are you going for the “gusto” at the moment and “settling” for less because it “feels good”? If this is the case, how committed are you to creating a healthy and fulfilling relationship? You need to know the answer to move forward successfully.


Closing Thoughts

You must be clear about what you truly want. Furthermore, you must be willing to wait until the right person comes along. Doing the real work to be healthy will continually test your genuine commitment to move forward in your life.

Remember, we tend to attract the same degree of emotional health that we have in ourselves. If you don’t have that, then do the work that’s necessary to create a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship. The choice is yours. Go for it!

About Susan Saint-Welch

Susan Saint-Welch LMFT has counseled couples and individuals for many years on issues such as dating, marriage, family drama, coping with difficult times, improving self-image and living the life you love. She provides psychotherapy for clients in California and Dating, Couples and Life Coaching for clients outside California through secure video conferencing. She has published numerous articles regarding these issues on her website, on and on

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