6 Ways to Find Your True Self – It’s Not Magic

friends togetherFinding your True Self means becoming aware of those around you, what makes you happy, and what does not. When you feel good about yourself and when you don’t. They don’t teach this in school, so how are you to know how to do something you have never been taught?

So don’t be so hard on yourself if you feel lost or having no real identity. I will show you 6 ways that you can find your True Self, your gifts, and what makes you happy and what does not. Look around you and inside yourself and you will begin to find your True Self.

First, let’s look at how you are affected by not knowing who you are.

If I Don’t Know Who I Am What Am I Missing?

To begin with, you are missing some of the best things about you! What makes you happy? Sad? Fulfilled? Excited? Angry? Frustrated? Scared? Hits your funny bone? Makes you burst into tears? What kind of people do you want to be with and are good for you? How do you bring joy to your life? What makes you feel you really make a difference? This list can go on and on, but I’m sure you get the drift of what you are missing when you don’t know your True Self.

The 6 areas listed below will give you a process and a map to get a really good start on this journey to Finding Your True Self and valuing that person. Here we go!

1. Identify What Affects You In a Good Way

  • Notice what you are doing or who you are with when you feel good.
  • You may want to be around people who are kind, or spiritual, playful or maybe avid readers who love talking about their books.
  • Or, you may prefer people who want to continue to grow.
  • You may feel good when interacting with others who share the same hobbies, hopes or dreams.
  • What makes you feel good might be people who laugh a lot.
  • Making plans might feel better to you than not having plans or vice versa.
  • Maybe certain music really touches you and makes you feel really good.

2. Know What Affects You In a Negative Way

  • Surrounding yourself with people or events that don’t fit you can easily drain you and put you in a bad mood. These outcomes indicate what does not fit your True Self.
  • A consistently late friend can easily cause your mood to fall, especially when you’ve talked to them many times about being late and that this really bothers you.
  • Really negative people can be very emotionally draining to be around.
  • Having to go somewhere without proper directions can cause you anxiety and create negative feelings about going to a particular event.
  • Controlling people can cause you to feel stifled and annoyed that your needs don’t seem to matter. 
  • The Unknown may negatively affect you. You feel uncomfortable if plans are sketchy as to time, activities planned or where the event will take place.

  3. What Makes You Happy and Gives You Joy?

  • Knowing what makes you happy is as important as knowing what doesn’t.
  • You may feel joy being at the beach or looking at the Full Moon.
  • Little kids or puppies may bring you joy
  • Helping people in need may give joy.
  • The mountains or nature may bring you joy and happiness.
  • You may find happiness making a quilt or rebuilding an antique car.
  • How often are you doing things that give you joy?

4. What Do You Admire About Yourself?

  • Strengths, Talents, And Values – Do you know what these are for you?
  • Feeling good about yourself is different than just being happy. It means you recognize something that you do well or makes you feel like a good person inside. It is a sense of feeling worthy and that you matter and can make a difference in this world. These are some of the things that shape your True Self.
  • Maybe you are honest, a gifted painter, very intelligent, or generous, or have other good qualities you admire.
  • Feeling good about yourself is also about liking who you are, how you treat others, what you are talented at doing, etc.
  • So how do you feel about yourself? Do you like this version of your True Self?

5. Know The Signs of Emotionally Healthy People 

  • Emotionally healthy people tend to hang around with other healthy people.
  • People who are usually in a good mood tend to be healthy.
  • Those who seem to truly enjoy their life likely have found their True Self and live it.
  • When things in their life no longer work for them, they make positive changes.
  • Setting healthy boundaries with those around you shows respect for yourself. Instead of getting annoyed that your friend is consistently late, let them know that this bothers you and ask them to make a concerted effort to respect your time as well as theirs.
  • People who use alcohol or marijuana (where it is legal) in moderation may be making healthy choices with that use.
  • Friends who respect your privacy and keep your secrets are making a healthy choice.
  • Recognize those who make healthy choices about food, jobs, and relationships, etc. Try to learn from their choices.

6. Recognize Unhealthy People You Know

  • People tend to choose friends with about the same degree of emotional health as themselves. So take a look around you. If your friends do not make healthy choices, do you? Examine this window into your True Self by determining if the choices you make really work for you. And if not, will you make some changes?
  • People who don’t value themselves tend to make unhealthy decisions.
  • Those who complain a lot about other people tend not to feel good about themselves.
  • When a friend pushes you to do something because they want to do it, and don’t care what you want, they signify that their needs matter more than yours. They are emotionally unhealthy.

Discovering Your True Self – Putting It All Together

Most people often judge themselves harshly. You are not alone if this describes you. Sometimes parents inadvertently teach their children not to value themselves. And likely the lesson came from each generation before them.

This may mean that as a child you did not receive a true picture of your real worth. When a parent does not have healthy self-esteem they tend to treat their children as they were raised, which may likely have been unhealthy. I don’t think it happens on purpose, but it’s important to separate a negative childhood upbringing from your True Self, or at least who you want to become.

If you don’t know who you really are, then look at the above things and see what fits you and what doesn’t. Which people make you feel good and encourage you to feel good about yourself? If the people around you are not healthy, will you make changes in your choice of friends?

If you find you still don’t know what truly fits you inside, don’t be afraid to seek out a psychotherapist who can support you while they guide you through that process. Knowing your True Self is a journey. You will likely continue to change in the future. Don’t be afraid to be who you really are. The right people around you will truly want you to be happy and healthy.

For further reading on self-esteem and living at your core (True Self), you may want to check out some articles on Lifeandrelationships101.com under Improving Self-Image. Enjoy your journey!





About Susan Saint-Welch

Susan Saint-Welch LMFT has counseled couples and individuals for many years on issues such as dating, marriage, family drama, coping with difficult times, improving self-image and living the life you love. She provides psychotherapy for clients in California and Dating, Couples and Life Coaching for clients outside California through secure video conferencing. She has published numerous articles regarding these issues on her website, on YourTango.com and on MSN.com.

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