How Your Self-Esteem Dramatically Affects How You Date

Self-Esteem & DatingIn dating, how you feel about yourself, your “self-esteem”, will be either projected onto others or secretly hidden from them. And this occurs whether or not you are aware of doing it. How we feel about ourselves affects the friends we attract, as well as future dating partners or mates. We tend to attract the same degree of self-esteem in others that we feel about ourselves. Therefore, if you are not liking your friends or dating prospects you need to do a check on how you feel about yourself first.

Dating is uncomfortable because we want to be seen as attractive to others, even if we don’t fully believe that inside. Also, how we value our self is going to determine the value of someone we attract to us. So revitalize your self-esteem and you can attract the perfect mate.

Hiding Who You Are From Others in Dating

It is not uncommon for someone to hide who they are when they do not not feel they have a lot of value to others. For example, they might not speak up about something for fear of being rejected. Or they stay quiet and don’t actively participate for fear of being noticed and possibly rejected.

Remember, be who you are and the right people will be drawn to you. If they aren’t, they were the wrong people anyway.

It’s Not About the Numbers:

The number of people we attract does not define our worth. Our worth is determined by how we feel about ourselves. And many of these people we might be tempted to artificially attract are those we really would not want to be around anyway. So forget about the “crowd” and focus on those people that generally seem to interest you. Don’t let others define your worth. In dating, you only need one “right” person who also values those qualities you value about yourself.

Present Those Qualities You Most Value in Yourself:

Everyone has certain qualities they like about themselves. You may have a great sense of humor or excellent conversation skills. You might have great hair or physique. Or it might be how you treat others with kindness and consideration.

Pick two or three qualities you most like about yourself and show them. If you truly value these qualities you are most likely going to show them well and with confidence. If you don’t know what qualities you truly have, ask two or three of your friends what they most admire about you and practice showing those qualities. But remember, we tend to attract people with the same self-esteem as we have. So practice believing in yourself and you will attract healthier people around you.

Examples of Qualities You May Already Have:

  • Outgoing personality
  • Good energy that attracts others to you
  • Humor, whether it is generally funny, sarcastic, dry or witty. Remember, humor is personal – not everyone is going to appreciate it. But the right people will get it!
  • Great smile
  • Nice hair
  • Intelligent
  • Kind
  • Integrity – you come through with what you say or do.
  • Helpful to others
  • Spiritual
  • Athletic

It’s important that you find value in yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself then others are less likely to believe in you. Find those things about you that you do like and value. Shine those qualities!

Be Yourself:

When you are just being yourself you are more at ease and confidence follows. Remember, you want to attract someone who already sees the value in you for who you are. Just be who you naturally are, and the right people are the ones who also see your value. If they don’t — wrong people!

Reading Self-Esteem in the Other Person

Have you ever dated the person who needs to be “on” at all times? He is trying too hard to be noticed. This may indicate his low self-esteem. He does not believe that he has “enough” value without continually performing. Just because people may value someone who is entertaining them doesn’t mean they want to spend a lot of personal time with them.

The person who only seems to value their looks can often signal they don’t believe in themselves as having value in general.

Someone whose actions don’t match their words means they are not living a conscious life. They live in the moment to please others or look good. They may not even be fully conscious about what they are saying in general.

What about the person who sexualizes everything in a conversation? Usually it signifies they are lacking depth and likely don’t believe they have good qualities to offer someone.

There is a difference between being frugal (wise with money) and plain cheap. Being cheap means they believe there is not enough good things in the world to go around, or they do not have trust in the world and in themselves that their life will be OK.

Good Values to Look For in Others

  • They treat others well.
  • Demonstrating respect for others and themselves.
  • They set healthy boundaries.
  • Their actions match their words, so they are reliable.
  • Being kind to others
  • Someone who truly values himself in a healthy manner. This means he is aware of those qualities that allow him to feel good about himself.
  • Generous in spirit and kindness.
  • Can be funny but also thoughtful and kind.

Example of Someone Who Was Caught Off-Guard Being Herself

I know someone who met her mate by going into a store and goofing around with her Mom. She was not conscious about anyone else around her. An employee saw her from across the store and offered to assist her. She was caught off guard demonstrating one of her best qualities. They are now looking forward to marriage and kids.
When you believe in yourself, others will see this quality and the right ones will be attracted to you like bees to honey. But you must first believe in yourself!

If you are interested in learning more about self-esteem, finding the “right” one, or skills in dating check out past articles on my Self-Esteem or Relationship Blogs:

About Susan Saint-Welch

Susan Saint-Welch LMFT has counseled couples and individuals for many years on issues such as dating, marriage, family drama, coping with difficult times, improving self-image and living the life you love. She provides psychotherapy for clients in California and Dating, Couples and Life Coaching for clients outside California through secure video conferencing. She has published numerous articles regarding these issues on her website, on and on

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