Find And Fill That Emotional Hole in Your Heart

Emotional HoleIn “Havana”, Camila Cabello sings of longing for her home after she lets a guy take her away to East Atlanta. This is a great example of an emotional hole inside our heart, or inside what I call our core being. This feeling will not go away unless we fill that emptiness, or at least fully resolve not having it and find fulfillment in another way.

Most everyone has felt a deep emotional hole inside for one reason or another.  It can come from a variety of reasons, but they all have in common an absence or loss of something our core needs. A hole can feel heavy at our gut. Or we may just recognize it as a deep longing for something we do not have. It could be from deeply wanting to have a child.  Or significantly feeling the absence of someone who deeply loves us for our true selves and longs for our company. It can come from seeing someone else experience what is missing for us — we feel the hole inside us that craves the same experience. And like Camila, it can come from living in a location that does not fit us or makes us happy.

Finding And Filling That Emotional Hole

How do we know if we have an emotional hole inside us? That is easy to answer. We can feel a longing, or an ache in what we often call our “heart”. I call this our Core.

How do we get rid of that hole inside us? First recognize that you have one. Then fully understand that emotional hole and why you have not filled it. You may discover:

  • Something prevents you from fulfilling your desire. Do you believe that you don’t deserve it or lack some skill or element that will attract it to you?
  • You fear a worse result if you fill the emotional hole. For example, if we fully open our heart to that special someone they might leave and we could hurt even more deeply than if we had never had that love at all. Or if we get attached to a pet it will die someday and we could deeply feel the loss. Loss is scary to people because we feel we are not in control of the pain. But loss is inevitable and the pain lessens over time if we do the healing.
  • Wanting someone or something can also cause a deep sense of responsibility. Some people fear this and avoid experiences where they might feel responsible for someone or some thing.

Why We Live With The Emotional Hole

There are many reasons why some people avoid filling the hole inside and choose to just “live with the hole”.

I always look at what prompts our decisions. I fully believe we can attain anything we really want if it is physically possible to have it. Failure to receive what we really want can stem from a fear of not getting it, or a fear of losing it.. It can also be a fear of loss, disappointment, responsibility etc. But it always involves avoiding something negative.

Conversely, we are much more likely to succeed if we make decisions out of desire. We will discuss decision-making in an upcoming blog.

Action Items:

  • Can you recognize if you have ever felt an emotional hole inside you?
  • If so, what was it about?
  • Did you do something to fill the hole?
  • If not, what stopped you?
  • If you want to “fix” the hole inside but don’t know how, or feel overwhelmed at the thought of it, you can seek professional help with a psychotherapist.
  • Remember, we “don’t know what we don’t know” and that is where all kinds of possibilities lie.

“Havana” by Camila Cabello”

About Susan Saint-Welch

Susan Saint-Welch LMFT has counseled couples and individuals for many years on issues such as dating, marriage, family drama, coping with difficult times, improving self-image and living the life you love. She provides psychotherapy for clients in California and Dating, Couples and Life Coaching for clients outside California through secure video conferencing. She has published numerous articles regarding these issues on her website, on and on

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