How Our Self-Esteem Is A Magnet

Did you know that we tend to attract the same level of self-esteem in others as we have in ourselves? If you look at your circle of friends don’t they seem to have about the same level of confidence or doubts as you? It can be in different areas though. Some people are more confident in their career. But when it comes to romantic relationships their self-esteem is not as healthy. Romantic relationships are the most vulnerable relationship because our heart does what it does. We choose our friends but we really don’t seem to choose how we feel about someone. How we feel is how we feel. We do control what we do about our feelings, but not how we feel about someone. One of the most common problems regarding self-esteem is in the area of dating. When it comes to being with our friends we are more our Self. But when it comes to dating we often hold back some of the best parts of who we are and what our friends most value in us. Why do we do hold back? It’s most likely because:

  1. The romantic relationship is more vulnerable for us.
  2. When we first meet someone we are attracted to they don’t know us yet. So they can’t see us as our friends already do.
  3. Our closest friends know us even better than we know ourselves. This is because our guard has been down around them for awhile and they see the good things in us. Remember, we are harder on ourselves than how others see us who already value us for who we are.
  4. The most important reason: Most people believe that the opinion of others defines our self worth. This is not accurate. Our self esteem is an internal process. It is not defined by others. As a child, however, we don’t know this and so the opinion of others, especially our parents, ends up having the greatest weight on how we feel about ourselves. As an adult we carry this belief with us, but it is often inaccurate, especially when the parental view of us was a negative one.

ACTION: Improving who we attract:

  1. Approach those friends who most help you to feel valued and accepted. Ask them what those qualities are that they most like and value in you.
  2. If you are in a romantic relationship with someone already, ask them the same question.
  3. If you find you do not currently have someone who makes you feel valued, then you can begin to find this inside yourself: What do you most value in your Self? Are you hiding this from the rest of your world?
  4. Experiment by beginning to risk putting out in the world those things you most value in your Self or that your friends value in you.
  5. Remember, you have nothing to lose. People won’t see the best parts of you if you don’t show them.
  6. MOST IMPORTANT: You will attract those people who see the value in you and what you are projecting into the world. The people who are not attracted to you or do not value those special things in you are the WRONG PEOPLE. It in no way reflects the value of your Self. It just wasn’t a match. How many people are you not drawn to? It doesn’t mean something is wrong with them. It means they were not a match for you in terms of a friend or mate.
  7. Book recommendation: Mirror Work by Louise Hay

Next Blog Subject: Getting A More Accurate View Of Yourself

About Susan Saint-Welch

Susan Saint-Welch LMFT has counseled couples and individuals for many years on issues such as dating, marriage, family drama, coping with difficult times, improving self-image and living the life you love. She provides psychotherapy for clients in California and Dating, Couples and Life Coaching for clients outside California through secure video conferencing. She has published numerous articles regarding these issues on her website, on and on

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